Dear Friends,
It may be difficult to console someone who is grieving or in pain. Sometimes, we do so clumsily, at best. But is that OK?
At times, I have sat with a person in mourning, and they confide in me that someone had said something ineptly, or someone had expressed insensitive words. I remind the grieving person that the empty efforts at consolation likely were well-intended, but that the other person probably did not know how to console.
It is like the episode in this week’s Torah portion.
Jacob is informed of the supposed death of his favorite son, Joseph, and he is shown Joseph’s torn and bloodied striped coat. Jacob makes the natural assumption that Joseph had been attacked by wild beasts, and he begins protracted and inconsolable mourning. The Torah then reports “All his sons arose in order to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted.” [Gen. 37:35]
Why did Jacob refuse to be comforted? Was it because the sons were guilty of conniving, and Jacob perceived their devious deception, their selling Joseph to Egypt? Doubtful – the text shows no evidence. Was it because Joseph was so much Jacob’s favorite son that no consolation would be effective? Perhaps, for it is clear that Joseph was unique among the sons and shared a deep affinity with his father. Yet, even for a beloved one, consolation can come; witness Abraham for Sarah, and the same Jacob for Rachel. Was it that Jacob had suffered so much trickery and loss in his life, especially by his family, that this was the last straw? Again, I would doubt this, as he lived for many years, even without Joseph, until the dramatic reunion with Joseph and then living under Pharaoh’s domain.
No, my suggestion as to why Jacob could not be consoled by his sons was because their consolation was insincere. They had sold Joseph into slavery and then sat down to a meal; they exhibited no sincerity or sensitivity for their father’s feelings at that time, so how could they demonstrate such when his heart was broken?
Consolation, even if inept or clumsy, will work when it is sincere. Few among us are trained or practiced in always saying the right thing. Few among us will go through life and not stumble at the tough and challenging moments. Yet, if we are sincere and genuine in our efforts, then irrespective of their polish, they will at least touch the heart. Rarely does intention or motive matter as much as in consoling.
Jacob could not be comforted by disingenuous sons. We can do better, simply with sincerity.
Shabbat Shalom, Happy Thanksgiving, and Happy Chanukah,
Rabbi Douglas Kohn
It may be difficult to console someone who is grieving or in pain. Sometimes, we do so clumsily, at best. But is that OK?
At times, I have sat with a person in mourning, and they confide in me that someone had said something ineptly, or someone had expressed insensitive words. I remind the grieving person that the empty efforts at consolation likely were well-intended, but that the other person probably did not know how to console.
It is like the episode in this week’s Torah portion.
Jacob is informed of the supposed death of his favorite son, Joseph, and he is shown Joseph’s torn and bloodied striped coat. Jacob makes the natural assumption that Joseph had been attacked by wild beasts, and he begins protracted and inconsolable mourning. The Torah then reports “All his sons arose in order to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted.” [Gen. 37:35]
Why did Jacob refuse to be comforted? Was it because the sons were guilty of conniving, and Jacob perceived their devious deception, their selling Joseph to Egypt? Doubtful – the text shows no evidence. Was it because Joseph was so much Jacob’s favorite son that no consolation would be effective? Perhaps, for it is clear that Joseph was unique among the sons and shared a deep affinity with his father. Yet, even for a beloved one, consolation can come; witness Abraham for Sarah, and the same Jacob for Rachel. Was it that Jacob had suffered so much trickery and loss in his life, especially by his family, that this was the last straw? Again, I would doubt this, as he lived for many years, even without Joseph, until the dramatic reunion with Joseph and then living under Pharaoh’s domain.
No, my suggestion as to why Jacob could not be consoled by his sons was because their consolation was insincere. They had sold Joseph into slavery and then sat down to a meal; they exhibited no sincerity or sensitivity for their father’s feelings at that time, so how could they demonstrate such when his heart was broken?
Consolation, even if inept or clumsy, will work when it is sincere. Few among us are trained or practiced in always saying the right thing. Few among us will go through life and not stumble at the tough and challenging moments. Yet, if we are sincere and genuine in our efforts, then irrespective of their polish, they will at least touch the heart. Rarely does intention or motive matter as much as in consoling.
Jacob could not be comforted by disingenuous sons. We can do better, simply with sincerity.
Shabbat Shalom, Happy Thanksgiving, and Happy Chanukah,
Rabbi Douglas Kohn
