Dear Friends,
How do love and marriage work? Not the TV sitcom version, when it didn’t really work – but the way it should, and does work?
This week’s Torah portion offers a wonderful window into this charming, sometimes Hollywood, and sometimes mysterious process.
Abraham had a grown son, Isaac, for whom he sought a wife. After sending his servant to their homeland to seek an appropriate match, Abraham’s servant encountered Rebeka, and she agreed to return to Canaan to meet Isaac. Here is the description of their encounter:
“And Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother, Sarah; he took Rebekah, and she became his wife and he loved her. Thus did Isaac take comfort after the death of his mother.” (Genesis 24:67)
There is much in that verse which may be analyzed, but profoundly, we note the sequential order of the occurrences in mid-episode. Isaac and Rebekah wedded, and then he loved her.
Commonly in our Western world, the narrative of attraction, commitment, and love is reversed. One loves and then weds. In fact, couples only marry after they have courted sufficiently, likely lived together to test compatibility, and evolved their basis of love and commitment. Only then can they securely finalize the bond of marriage.
Yet, in Torah, love followed bonding. Such was similar in Fiddler on the Roof, when Tevye asks Golde, “Do you love me?” and she replied, “After 25 years, I guess I do.”
And, it is true in our day and culture. As much as we adhere to Hollywood stories – and I have encountered many Hollywood love stories among couples whom I have wedded – the love with which we begin our marriages pales compared to the love which we build as the years and experiences unfold. Love is not attraction; rather, it is the achievement and culmination of sharing trust and devotion, dreams and trauma, hopes fulfilled and hopes dashed, and creating a haven of safety one with another.
Yes, Isaac and Rebekah fell for one another immediately, and she entered his (mother’s) tent. But their love followed.
Let’s appreciate the love stories of our lives, no less!
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Douglas Kohn
How do love and marriage work? Not the TV sitcom version, when it didn’t really work – but the way it should, and does work?
This week’s Torah portion offers a wonderful window into this charming, sometimes Hollywood, and sometimes mysterious process.
Abraham had a grown son, Isaac, for whom he sought a wife. After sending his servant to their homeland to seek an appropriate match, Abraham’s servant encountered Rebeka, and she agreed to return to Canaan to meet Isaac. Here is the description of their encounter:
“And Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother, Sarah; he took Rebekah, and she became his wife and he loved her. Thus did Isaac take comfort after the death of his mother.” (Genesis 24:67)
There is much in that verse which may be analyzed, but profoundly, we note the sequential order of the occurrences in mid-episode. Isaac and Rebekah wedded, and then he loved her.
Commonly in our Western world, the narrative of attraction, commitment, and love is reversed. One loves and then weds. In fact, couples only marry after they have courted sufficiently, likely lived together to test compatibility, and evolved their basis of love and commitment. Only then can they securely finalize the bond of marriage.
Yet, in Torah, love followed bonding. Such was similar in Fiddler on the Roof, when Tevye asks Golde, “Do you love me?” and she replied, “After 25 years, I guess I do.”
And, it is true in our day and culture. As much as we adhere to Hollywood stories – and I have encountered many Hollywood love stories among couples whom I have wedded – the love with which we begin our marriages pales compared to the love which we build as the years and experiences unfold. Love is not attraction; rather, it is the achievement and culmination of sharing trust and devotion, dreams and trauma, hopes fulfilled and hopes dashed, and creating a haven of safety one with another.
Yes, Isaac and Rebekah fell for one another immediately, and she entered his (mother’s) tent. But their love followed.
Let’s appreciate the love stories of our lives, no less!
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Douglas Kohn
