Dear Friends,
It is almost Chanukah, and for our Christian neighbors and family members, it is nigh on Christmas.
The song says this is the happiest time of the year.
-Except, when it isn’t.
Hallmark Cards movies depict this as the richest family time of the year.
- Except when it isn’t.
Studies indicate that family difficulties, domestic violence and even suicide spike at this time of the year. Perhaps, it is difficult for many to live up to the hype. Afterall, not everyone gets the gift for which they yearned at this time of year. Some get the lump of coal, some get nothing at all, and some get harmed.
No wonder that Chanukah’s message is to kindle a light in the time of darkness.
And, when we read this week of Joseph revealing his dreams to his brothers, and showing off his privileged place in the family, we witness a family in crisis. After Joseph told of his second dream, in which all of his family would bow low to him, Torah writes, “his father rebuked him, saying, ‘What is this dream that you dreamt? Your mother, your brothers, and I – must we really come to bow down to the ground before you?’ His brothers detested him, but his father kept the matter in mind.” (Genesis 37:10-11)
It is a painful holiday-time vignette. One child steals all the oxygen in the room, the others are jealous, and the parents are beside themselves. What to do?
Perhaps the wisest course is to take counsel from Jacob, Joseph’s troubled father. He took two important steps in the Torah story. Firstly, after Joseph’s second outburst, Jacob rebuked his impudent son. We note that Jacob refrained from speaking upon the first episode, but once it was repeated, Jacob interceded. Talmud teaches that often the best course in a difficult moment is to sit and do nothing. But when ill behavior persists, it must be addressed. The timely balance of restraint and action is good instruction. Meeting impulsivity with impulsivity may be a toxic mix. Secondly, Jacob “kept the matter in mind.” It was not dismissed. It is important to take it all in, and not to color one’s perspective with favoritism, which is just what Jacob had done earlier, to provoke Joseph’s narcissism. Jacob realized that this was not entirely Joseph’s fault, but that some responsibility was due to parental actions. Jacob kept the matter in mind, and so should we in our family moments.
Indeed, this is a special time of the year. And, it is fraught with landmines. Torah comes to demonstrate the tripwires.
May we be blessed with joy and family happiness. But, let’s be cautious and circumspect, as well!
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Douglas Kohn
It is almost Chanukah, and for our Christian neighbors and family members, it is nigh on Christmas.
The song says this is the happiest time of the year.
-Except, when it isn’t.
Hallmark Cards movies depict this as the richest family time of the year.
- Except when it isn’t.
Studies indicate that family difficulties, domestic violence and even suicide spike at this time of the year. Perhaps, it is difficult for many to live up to the hype. Afterall, not everyone gets the gift for which they yearned at this time of year. Some get the lump of coal, some get nothing at all, and some get harmed.
No wonder that Chanukah’s message is to kindle a light in the time of darkness.
And, when we read this week of Joseph revealing his dreams to his brothers, and showing off his privileged place in the family, we witness a family in crisis. After Joseph told of his second dream, in which all of his family would bow low to him, Torah writes, “his father rebuked him, saying, ‘What is this dream that you dreamt? Your mother, your brothers, and I – must we really come to bow down to the ground before you?’ His brothers detested him, but his father kept the matter in mind.” (Genesis 37:10-11)
It is a painful holiday-time vignette. One child steals all the oxygen in the room, the others are jealous, and the parents are beside themselves. What to do?
Perhaps the wisest course is to take counsel from Jacob, Joseph’s troubled father. He took two important steps in the Torah story. Firstly, after Joseph’s second outburst, Jacob rebuked his impudent son. We note that Jacob refrained from speaking upon the first episode, but once it was repeated, Jacob interceded. Talmud teaches that often the best course in a difficult moment is to sit and do nothing. But when ill behavior persists, it must be addressed. The timely balance of restraint and action is good instruction. Meeting impulsivity with impulsivity may be a toxic mix. Secondly, Jacob “kept the matter in mind.” It was not dismissed. It is important to take it all in, and not to color one’s perspective with favoritism, which is just what Jacob had done earlier, to provoke Joseph’s narcissism. Jacob realized that this was not entirely Joseph’s fault, but that some responsibility was due to parental actions. Jacob kept the matter in mind, and so should we in our family moments.
Indeed, this is a special time of the year. And, it is fraught with landmines. Torah comes to demonstrate the tripwires.
May we be blessed with joy and family happiness. But, let’s be cautious and circumspect, as well!
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Douglas Kohn
